Sometimes life is just hard.
Harder for some than others, but lets not lie, it's always relative. (if it's not happening to me, it isn't that bad) Everything is relative.
I am raising three of my grandchildren. It's hard.
Everyone thinks if you take kids out of a bad situation, they get better. From experience I can tell you that is completely untrue.
When you take kids from a situation where there was no parenting, even on a very basic level (you don't take things that don't belong to you, you don't disrespect adults, you don't slap,kick or hit other people) basics, when you have children who were raised by themselves for quite a few years, and put them in what you think is a better situation, they don't see it that way.
They see it that you are taking away their freedom (you're not gonna start telling me what to do!) they now have to deal with rules and self control and personal responsibility.
They don't like that. Not even a little bit.
For three years this is what we have been dealing with. It's been hard, there have been tears, by adults as well as children, there have been groundings and whippings and loss of electronics and toys and at times, got so out of control, personal freedom. Their's and mine.
But we have struggled through, we have leaned on close family and friends and our church family. It has gotten 90% better than it was when we first started.
But the change hasn't been totally in the children, they are about 50% better and still, very much, a work in progress.
The biggest change has come in me.
The problems at our house would start as soon as their eyes opened in the morning, screaming and yelling, hitting, crying. This wasn't just sometimes, this was every.........single.......morning.
When you wake up having to start doling out discipline and fighting kids that don't care what you say, they just scream back at you, every ......single....morning, it gets to you.
You start having bad days, really bad days, where you just can not find a reason to "rejoice always' no matter how hard you try and how much scripture you read.
Our home was becoming a battle zone. I couldn't walk from my living room to the kitchen to get a drink of water, before I could get back, someone got hit, something got broken and someone was always crying. We couldn't make it through a complete week without having to take off of work, drive to the school and deal with another situation. Stealing, bullying, hitting teachers, crying, you name it, I got called to the principals office for it. Every......single.....week.
Our situation got so out of control that I emailed our preacher and asked for a prayer service for the kids. I was at a loss, I didn't know what else to do. (don't we always wait until we can't figure it out on our own).
My closest friends came to the house and prayed with me over them.
We prayed together, as a family, and apart. And there still wasn't any relief.
One day I was studying scripture, I couldn't even tell you what I was studying. It didn't have anything to do with my situation, and the thought came to me, I didn't need to change them and their behavior, I needed to change mine.
I would have to constantly keep an eye on the one who stole everything, they couldn't be left in a room alone, they couldn't even go outside and play alone, because something would get taken, if you turned your back for a second, they would sneak in the other kids rooms and just steal whatever. All the time. You just simply could not leave this child alone. I mean waking up in the middle of the night, ransacking other people's rooms bad.And that's just one of the three.
So I was a constant babysitter. I couldn't walk out of a room, I couldn't let them go play outside with the neighborhood kids, (parent phones calls every time they went outside will cure you of that) they literally could not be out of my sight. Depressing right?
Then I realized, I was putting my joy on whether or not I had to spank someone today, whether or not I had to screen phone calls from a teacher, a parent or a principal. All my joy was built upon their behavior. And that just wasn't going to work. It wasn't working.
My joy comes from being a follower of the One who sacrificed His life for mine, from knowing that there is a God in heaven who loved me so much, He sent His Son to die for my sins, so I wouldn't have to die in them. The same God who blessed me with a husband I love with all of my heart and who loves me too, blessed me with, for the most part, good kids who have grown into decent adults. (though we need to talk more about their salvation), but that's another post. I had a home, a job I love, friends I could count on, my BFF, a mission based church, which I thank Him for everyday. A car that works.....you see where I'm going right?
There was so much to be thankful for, in other words, to find my joy in, that I needed to shift my focus from them and their behavior to my God who blesses me.
Find my joy.
Every morning I pray for Him to bless our house, and each person in it and those who enter it. I pray for each and everyone of them to be blessed for today. And I pray He blesses me with the strength I need for this day. Not tomorrow, not next week or next month, just today.
And we begin.
The morning screamers get put in the corner (they HATE that), they would much rather have a spanking and get it over with.
The arguers have to face each other at the table and not say a word. The hitters, ok those get a spanking, but we rarely have anyone hitting anyone else anymore. They are all getting so big, it hurts when they hit each other now.
Bad at school, corner, arguing at the top of your lungs, corner, continued bad behavior, bedroom with the door shut, (they don't have t.v.s or electronics of any kind in their rooms, so don't get your shackles up). At most points, everyone is somewhere, a room, a corner, 75% of the time.
No yelling or hollering on my part, "just get in the corner" they may not be learning anything, (I've often wondered if I didn't get them too late to teach them anything) but our house is peaceful again. Besides the occasional screaming fit that lands someone in the corner.
I don't argue, I don't try and explain my point (at this point, they know right and wrong, now it's a choice that they make) I don't ask "why" I don't ask "who". If I can't figure out who broke whatever, everyone is punished.
I say all this to share my victory yesterday. (long way to go about it I know, but you needed to understand why this is such a victory)
The oldest thinks he is an adult, he has has since he was 8 years old, he thinks no matter what I say, or do, if he tells the other two something, they should do it. And trust me, they used to because he was such a bully (until they finally got as big as him. He doesn't bully so much anymore) youngest is brushing his teeth, he snatches him out of the bathroom and shuts the door. Um, no sir, that's not how it works here. So I make him come out, he starts screaming and hollering, I have to use the bathroom, (no dude we all saw you just standing in front of the mirror, playing with your hair) so I put him in the corner, the screaming, crying, fit throwing lying commences.By the time he realized I was two seconds away from whipping him, he had already screamed and cried at the top of his lungs for ten minutes (ok he's not a two year old, think pre-teen)
Well normally dealing with this first thing in the morning, my day would be set. I'd be in a bad mood the rest of the day. Grumpy, not wanting to deal with anything else, because I knew what the mood was going to be for the day.
But I stopped and I thought, "No, Satan, you aren't getting my joy today, it doesn't belong to you."
"This is the day the Lord has made and I will rejoice in it" (my version)
Psalm 118:24 (NKJV)
24 This is the day the Lord has made;
We will rejoice and be glad in it.
We will rejoice and be glad in it.
That is all it took. I left the brat pouting in the corner, went to the back and talked to the two who weren't being brats at the moment like nothing was bothering me.
This is a HUGE accomplishment for me.
It was a great service at Sunday school and church, I even managed to look at the one whose turn it was to be the brat, without wanting to poke his eyeballs out, for the rest of the day LOL
All this to say, when you hear, "read your bible, learn the scripture, it will be with you when you need it most" it's true. Just that one verse changed my whole outlook for the day.
My daughter asked me the other day, don't you worry about them being back there so quiet for so long?
Nope, not anymore, their going to continue to do what they do, things will continue to get broken, punches will continue to get thrown, things will continue to go missing. When it happens I deal with it and move on.
I don't know if I will ever change them, sometimes I'm afraid it's too late. But I can always, always, through Him who loves me and wants the best for me, change me.
And a lot of that "love of Christ" mantra helps, trust me, just over and over and over in your head......
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