We had been going to church regularly for around 6 months, every Sunday, morning and evening. Every Wednesday night.
My husband and I spent many nights, reading and talking about the bible, what we thought about, what we thought the verses meant, and trying to learn how to apply it all to our new spiritual lives.
Then the honeymoon with our new faith was over, how can we do this? Why aren't we as spiritual as all the other people we see at church. How come, if I am saved, I still want to say and do things that the bible says I can't? Am I really saved? What if it doesn't stick?
We talked about baptism but we weren't "ready" yet. We still cussed, we still drank, we still did a lot of things that we shouldn't have been doing. And it weighed heavy on us both. Which in turn made me feel unworthy to be baptized. I need to get cleaned up first, I need to become the perfect Christian before I made a public proclamation of my faith.
What if I did it anyway and then still acted like a sinner? What if I screwed up and someone saw me? What if the Spirit didn't move in me like I thought it was moving in everyone else?
So I started praying, praying for stronger faith, praying that I would be like the faithful, righteous people I saw at church, praying that everything I did and said would be profoundly holy and righteous. And I prayed and prayed and prayed.
So I decided that God must want me to be patient, because I wasn't getting any holier, so my next step was to start digging into His word. I read, I studied, I took online courses, I did five or six daily devotionals a day. And I still cussed, I still lost my temper, I still drank and I still wished bad things on bad people. In other words I still wasn't ready to be baptized, I still had a lot of work to do on myself.
My husband and I talked about it, he didn't feel he was 'ready' to be baptized either. We just had so much work to do, coming so late in life, we had a lot of catching up to do.
As time passed and I read my bible everyday, slowly it started to dawn on me
And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house.
That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt
believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou
shalt be saved.
For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:
9Not of works, lest any man should boast.
I didn't have to be perfect, I had to grow.
I could bring all my faults and scars and bad habits and guilt and shame and lay it all at His feet.
He would not reject the pleas of a sinner who whole heartedly believes in His ability to save me.
All I needed was to believe, believe that I am a sinner in need of forgiveness, believe He is from the Father, believe He was raised from the dead, and believe He will come again.
The thief on the cross had no time to do anything but believe. And that small window of time is what saved him.
On May 5th 2016 I said a prayer.
Alone, in my office at work, sitting in front of my computer, I prayed and became saved.
Exactly a month later, surrounded by lots of family and friends (apparently a lot of people thought we needed saving) this happened.
June 6th 2016
It took me a half a year to realize that I wasn't going to just believe in God and become holy. It wasn't going to swoop down on me like I was some kind of prophet.
I mean you didn't just look at your first bike and know how to ride it did you? If you did, you are awesome. It took me months and months of practice before I was ready to try without training wheels.
The same goes for becoming a righteous child of God. I came in beaten and bruised, lacking any real direction and have grown, and am still growing. Lets face it, that was only two years ago, I still have a lot of work to do. But with constant prayer and immersion into God's word, I'm growing.
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